Art work reveals Jay's suicidal
anguish
By PAMELA
SCHAEFFER NCR Staff Dallas
Nancy Lemberger spoke in a hushed courtroom here in mid-June about
her only son, Jay, telling jurors that he died in 1992 of a self-inflicted
gunshot wound after enduring 10 years of alleged sexual abuse by Fr. Rudolph
"Rudy" Kos.
Jay Lemberger, one of three children, was 9 when his family moved
to Richardson, Texas. He was a happy, gifted child who enjoyed bicycling,
skateboarding and baseball and served as an altar boy at St. Paul's Catholic
Church, his mother said.
"The church was a way of life for us," Lemberger said. When Jay
was 11, the family, seeking a more "vibrant" parish, joined All Saints Catholic
Church in Richardson.
Jay became an altar boy at All Saints and entered the inner circle
of boys who hung around with the popular Fr. Rudy, Lemberger told the jury in a
$146.5 million trial pitting 11 plaintiffs against Kos and the Dallas
diocese.
Like many other boys in the parish, Jay began to spend a lot of
time at the rectory. He would attend altar server classes and then ask to stay,
his mother said.
Jay had been having some adjustment problems related to the move
to Texas, his mother said, and Kos seemed to be helping. He offered video games
and movies, soda and candy, the company of other young boys, outings and
overnights and, the parents assumed, support for their family values.
Sometimes Jay would spend the night and, like many other parents
whose sons were involved with Kos, Lemberger "envisioned a lot of other boys
there, watching videos, falling asleep on the floor in front of the TV," she
said. Lemberger said she was touched when Jay, at age 12, presented Kos with a
picture he had done in needlepoint for the priest.
After that, though, Lemberger said her son's personality began
changing. He entered Jesuit College Preparatory School as a freshman and joined
the swim team. The first signs of real trouble came when Jay suddenly left the
pool during a meet and was found in another room curled "in the fetal position"
on the floor, Lemberger said. He told a counselor he had been having suicidal
thoughts. "I couldn't imagine what the problem was," Lemberger said. "I
couldn't see anything wrong."
About that time, shoes became an issue for Jay. The Lembergers now
know what they believe Jay knew then -- that sexual abuse by Kos began with
foot massage. One of the young men testifying in the civil trial said Kos loved
clean feet and would fondle and kiss them before using them to masturbate
himself, sometimes moving on to heavier sex and often loading up the boys with
alcohol and drugs before the abuse began.
Lemberger said she bought new tennis shoes for Jay and that, to
her astonishment, he cut out the toes. After that, she refused to buy him
another pair. She changed her mind after he was hospitalized for six months for
depression following the incident at the swim meet. She took a new pair of
shoes to the hospital, and, while she watched, Jay inexplicably "took the shoes
and shred them with his bare hands," she said. Kos was a frequent visitor at
the hospital, always wanting to talk with Jay alone, she said.
Thinking a smaller community would be better for Jay, Lemberger
left her job in architectural design, and the family moved to Nacogdoches,
Texas. Jay's relationship with Kos continued, however, even as he saw a
counselor at the high school for help with recurring depression and suicidal
thoughts that mystified his parents.
In October 1990, two years before Jay's life would end, his
parents became worried once when he was late for dinner; again suicidal, he was
found waiting by the tracks for a train to come by. Another time, he took an
overdose of prescribed medication, his mother said.
Although Jay had been placed in classes for gifted children before
meeting Kos, he did poorly in high school. After graduation, he attended a
public university for a year and a half while working for his dad. Then a
family friend suggested that Jay join him in Denver. The family hoped he might
finally conquer his depression there.
For a while, Lemberger said, it appeared he had. He enjoyed
working as a nursing assistant in a home for people with Alzheimer's disease
and, about two weeks before his death, told his family he wanted to attend
nursing school. Lemberger said the family talked with Jay every week or two by
phone and had been especially pleased by that last conversation because "he
seemed to be thinking about the future."
When the family learned from authorities that their son had shot
himself, their first thought was to call Rudy Kos. A short time before the
priest was to be sent quietly to New Mexico for treatment after years of
alleged sexual abuse of boys, Kos was still the Lembergers' trusted friend. He
gave the homily at Jay's funeral.
The Lembergers didn't begin to put together what they now regard
as the macabre story of Jay's relationship with Kos until a lawsuit was filed
against the priest months after Jay's death in 1992. Now, in the context of
allegations that have become public -- corroborating suspicions that the
plaintiffs' attorneys say had long circulated among other priests and diocesan
officials -- some drawings Jay had made began to make sense. Lemberger said the
drawings had been among Jay's belongings in Denver.
In one rendering, a man was seated, legs apart. In another, a
young man, bent under the weight of a heavy cross, walked along a path while
another man stood by.
In the manner of an artist working to perfect his style and, his
parents now believe, of a young man trying to come to grips with his
victimization by a man his religious faith suggested he should trust, Jay had
sketched, in black and white, from various angles, on large sheets of paper, a
pair of feet.
Out of context, those drawings, placed one by one on a large easel
by the Lembergers' attorney, Windle Turley, would have seemed innocent
enough.
Knowing what they now know, though, the Lembergers expected the
jury to find in those drawings the key to their son's troubled adolescence.
National Catholic Reporter, August 1,
1997
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