Special
section: Family Life
If they can do without, theyll have it all
By ARTHUR JONES
As a parent and grandparent pulling this NCR family life
issue together -- and as a member of a parish and a community in a major
metropolitan area -- I kept bumping into the same bothersome fact about
todays young parents.
They dont know how to say no.
By not accentuating the negative along with the positive,
theyre not providing their children with much sense of real-life options
-- that they cannot have everything. Either this or that but not both.
Sacrifice doesnt exist. The children are growing up, as some of their
parents seem to have done, with the expectation they are entitled to -- and
will get -- everything they want.
Taint so.
The only reason young parents have what they have now -- jobs and
hard work to one side -- is that they, like their children, have existed in a
period of unprecedented (for many, not all) national prosperity.
Cant last. And wont.
So when the downturn comes, neither parents nor children will have
much sense of how to set priorities.
My generation (Im 62) and my parents generation, grew
up differently: First the Depression and then the genuine privations of World
War II -- particularly in Europe where the privations lasted well into the
1950s.
We had jobs and rising expectations, too. But we were vehemently
anti- consumerist because, coming out of nothing, we understood the trap. And
were anti-consumerisms agents when it comes to televisions
cheap advertising and the notion that fads matter. Hard on the kids, true. But
believe it or not, parents our age who did the same know what the feeling is
like when the children, now raising their children, say, Thanks. It
worked.
It worked because we preached dont get into debt. And as a
family we didnt -- except for a home mortgage and a car.
It worked because we didnt need to be surrounded by baubles
to have fun. Whenever the William Tell overture came on the radio
or was played on the record player, everyone stopped what he or she was doing,
ran to the kitchen and grabbed a pot and a spoon, and raced around the house
banging the pot to the rhythm of: da-da-da da-da-da dadda-da-da-da.
Whenever I traveled, which for a while was frequently, there was a
homemade musical or drama -- complete with a hand-lettered program -- to watch
and applaud upon my return.
And any time there was excess money, we all traveled. We used it
up seeing things together. It helped that we lived abroad as a family and come
from two cultures.
We prayed together -- invented our own grace before meals -- and
weve stayed together. Weve had crises and sadnesses, setbacks and
wrong decisions, tears and heart-tearings and concerns like every other
family.
We told the kids that wed try to give them a debt-free
college education. After that it was up to them. It worked, because if we
couldnt afford it we bought used or did without. We got our first
living-room carpet for this house when our oldest graduated from college.
And in those crucial teen years, when others kids were
spending freely and had nice cars to boast of, ours made do with rattletrap VW
bugs and ancient Opels.
At college we said you dont have to have all As.
Bs are fine. No Cs. And we made it through, a bit hairily at times,
with no debts.
For five years the childrens experience of church was a
pacifist center with a liturgy downstairs and homeless men upstairs.
Theyve no concept of church that doesnt involve the poor, no
concept of society that doesnt have looking out for the least as a
priority.
When they came of age and could choose whether theyd attend
church or not, we reluctantly accepted that as adults they would find God in
their own way. For one, God exists in Elgars Enigma
Variations.
We have three children, kind and compassionate, who because they
could live simply -- could buck the trend -- were able to pursue their
dreams.
Being able to live without, theyve been able to live in
Europe for years on end, go on the road with a band or pursue a career that was
not on the A-list of lifetime pursuits in America then -- though it is now.
One child refuses on principle to own a car and lives only where
theres public transportation. One made a hand-me-down VW Jetta last for
183,000 miles and then sold it for $300. One boldly tried to survive as a
freelance musician, writer and cartoonist. Weve always said: Try it, do
it.
At various times they all buy into the system that pays their way
-- we all have to. They toe the corporate line in order to survive in it, but
theyve got rich lives not dependent on identification with their
jobs.
They are not what they do. They are who they are.
My wife and I were lucky, too. We raised kids in a climate easier
than today. One of us -- my wife for most of those years, but me for some --
was always home. After 12 years of married life we blew our savings. I stayed
home a year, doing the cooking, cleaning and caring for kids (and writing a
book with no cash advance involved) while she finished her academic work.
We stuck to our values no matter how much it irked the children.
And, by God, irk them it did. We still hear about it. In our house, when one
parent said no, it meant no for both -- though as in any family, there was
always a court of wheedling appeals and playing for sympathy.
Our kids might give a different version of this tale. Well
see.
But as the first one begins to raise children, in values shared by
the spouse, we hear echoes of some of the old refrains repeated.
Therell be no great transgenerational wealth
transfer -- that latest national buzz phrase -- when we pop off. Fine. We
got none either.
As grandparents were as tough and loving and as silly as
ever. And the little ones adapt. Do they like the stand-firm bit? Heck no. Do
they love us anyway? Heck yes.
So what else did we want from kids and grandkids? Frankly,
nothing.
Love. Thank God. Weve got it all.
Arthur Jones is NCR editor at large.
National Catholic Reporter, September 4,
1998
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