Sic
Rudy in search of a
book deal, while Sic seeks ultimate laptop
Catholic conservatives are outraged at Mother Angelicas
decision to carry the recent heavyweight boxing bout between Evander Hollyfield
and Joe Louis on her Eternal Word Television Network. Adding insult to injury,
the fight, which ended in a draw, is said to have been fixed. Conservative
theologians are worried this will reflect badly on papal infallibility.
* * *
Charles Strauss told Sic by E-mail that the following letter was
written by an embattled systems analyst:
Dear Sirs:
I hope I havent misunderstood your instructions because, to
be honest, none of this Y to K problem makes any sense to me. At any rate, I
have finished converting all the months on all the company calendars so that
the year 2000 is ready to go with the following new months: Januark, Februark,
Mak, Julk.
* * *
Sure, you may have read them before, but people havent yet
taken these love tips to heart:
Why lovers hold hands: They want to make sure their rings
dont fall off because they paid good money for them (Dave, 8).
Im in favor of love as long as it doesnt happen
when The Simpsons is on television (Anita, 6).
Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it.
I have been trying to hide from it since I was 5, but the girls keep finding
me (Bobby, 8).
Im not rushing into being in love Im
finding fourth grade hard enough (Gina, 10).
Qualities of a good lover: One of you should know how to
write a check, because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to
be a lot of bills (Ava, 8).
Dont do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You
might get attention, but attention aint the same thing as love
(Alonzo, 9).
One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure its
something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me (Bart,
9).
How a person learns to kiss: You learn it right on the spot
when the gooshy feelings get the best of you (Doug, 7).
* * *
Conservatives make a big deal of loyalty to the pope, so its
hilarious to see them squirm when the pontiff gets out of line. Thus Ralph
McInerny, previously a loyal pope pundit who also writes novels, inveighs in
The Wall Street Journal:
Despite what the Holy Father has written in his encyclical
Evangelium Vitae, it remains Catholic doctrine that capital punishment
can be a just penalty. Is that putting the pope in his place or what? But
it gets worse: The Holy Father holds that there is a rising tide of
opposition to the death penalty and that this represents a resurgence of
respect for the sanctity of human life, which has been so devastated by
abortion. Surely this is wrong. Much opposition to the death penalty is an
implicit denial of human dignity.
Someone please call Ratzinger.
* * *
Dont you hate it when you get job evaluations like
these?
His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid
curiosity.
I would not allow this employee to breed.
Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like
a rat in a trap.
When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change
feet.
He would be out of his depth in a parking lot
puddle.
This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails
to achieve them.
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it
all together.
A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary
ignoramus.
* * *
Everyone from here to Rome knows Bishop Fabian Bruskewitz (whose
diocese of Lincoln, Neb.) is more traditional than the 12 apostles. One of his
priests, Fr. Chad Ripperger, explains to the Lincoln Journal Star
why the Mass is better offered in Latin: We felt that any time the church
is speaking to God, it should be done in a language which is pleasing to him,
which is Latin.
* * *
Sic can tell you, everyone in America is a computer genius. Look
around. That frumpy middle-aged guy obviously invented the modem buster or the
WWW microchip or something. And that priest with the really large breviary, who
is he kidding, thats the state of the art thingey with digitals and
batteries and on-line coffee percolator our man uses to run the Jesuits from a
dank basement in Boston.
And that beautiful old woman in tennis shoes -- you obviously
havent been reading such journals as ModemBustersdotcom or
Bells and Whistles, or youd know she invented a megahertz so
speedy your stuff is on the screen before you press Enter.
* * *
This, once again, is Sics last ever Pet of the Week. Rudy is
sort of associated with NCR layout assistant Matt Kantz. Readers need
not like this cat in order to be good members of whatever they are members
of.
* * *
And that kid, not a day over 6 -- where have you been, everyone
knows kids pick up that cyberguff before they shed their diapers cause
its a jungle out there.
And that girl with long legs isnt even carrying a laptop.
Shes a systems analyst cause the future belongs to those with the
vision to upgrade their memory and bamboozle their bosses with software that
doesnt need hardware thus allowing everyone to carry around an empty
black laptop case, just for self-esteem. All you do is press Enter.
* * *
John Pfeffer of Sequim always imagined St. Peter sitting on
his bar stool with a big book in front of him, interviewing prospective
saints. Now he reads that to make it onto the Vatican books you or someone
close to you may have to spend as much as half a million big ones. This causes
Pfeffer to write one of his weird poems:
Making a saint seems a bit quaint, We must have a
zillion unseen, It usurps St. Peters prerogative To wax
interrogative And judge if its up, down or between. To me its
presumptuous Bordering on bumptious, And it takes a bunch of the
green. The scrupulous inspection Isnt for saintly
election, Its to keep the pope squeaky clean.
National Catholic Reporter, April 2,
1999
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