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Fall
Ministries Bringing the divorced, separated back to the table
By ARTHUR JONES
NCR Staff
Among those most often feeling left
out at the local parish are divorced and separated Catholics. Its not a
small number of people, said Irene Varley, executive director of the North
American Conference of Separated and Divorced Catholics. Catholic statistics
mirror the national numbers for marriage break-up.
One Catholic program with a long, helpful, divorce-aftermath track
record, said Varley, is Detroits Bethany, offering parishes peer
support program ideas for just those tragedies. Bethanys central
president, Mary Block, is also the new president of the North American
Conference.
The organization has some 700 to 800 members, comprised of
individuals and parish and diocesan groups. The organizations basic
purpose, said Varley, is to get the message across that despite divorce
or separation, you are still a holy person. Too often, said Varley,
people who have experienced the pain of divorce have felt the church was
directed only toward families, and that they were no longer family. Indeed they
are still family, still holy, still very much a part of active parish
participation.
Her aim, and that of the organization, said Varley, is to reach
out to Catholics who are inactive because of divorce to let them know
theres no reason to be inactive. So many times its
self-isolation, she said. Either its what they perceive to be
church policy or sometimes they choose to misinterpret and dont ask
questions. For separated Catholics, the North American Conference
encourages involvement in Retrouvaille, a Catholic approach to rebuilding
troubled marriages, or in marriage counseling.
For those isolated from the church because of remarriage without
annulment, Varley suggests considering the annulment process, though it
can be a tremendously gut-wrenching process, from what Ive head from
people whove had negative experiences. Some dioceses, she said,
have done wonderful things to utilize a pastoral approach to annulments.
Trenton, N.J., is one. So it can be how we offer it. Is it in a legalistic
terminology and no time for pasturing -- Heres the paperwork. Go
talk to your pastor? At the Denver convocation last September for
Catholic lay ministries, one of the things we heard a lot of was, Do
something about this annulment process. Make it more pastoral,
Varley said.
One way into the issue, said Varley, is an inexpensive book
published by Dennis and Kay Flowers of the Cleveland diocese, Unlocking the
Healing Power of Catholic Annulment. Its self-published
at about $3.75, said Varley, because the author wanted to keep the
price down. It has an imprimatur from the Cleveland Bishop Anthony Pilla.
(Flowers, who suggests including $1.50 mailing, can be reached at P.O. Box 21,
Westfield Center, Ohio 44251 or home.att.net/~d.m.flowers).
Back at the parish level, for newly divorced or separated, the
Detroit Bethany program runs a scope of ministry -- from social life to
working with newly hurt. It offers a balance that way, said Varley.
What we give, said Bethanys Mary Block, is
encouragement, support and education -- how to come out not so broken.
Theres an eight-week recovery-type program for people going through a
divorce. Its structured -- topics discussed with other people in the same
boat. Were not psychologists or therapists. Were just people
helping people. If people need more help, one-on-one therapy, we recommend
that.
For the children involved, Bethany recommends Rainbows, a program
for children who have suffered loss through death or their parents
divorce or separation.
Block describes Bethany as, essentially, a peer-support group.
After divorce, people feel alone and isolated. Their self-esteem is down
the toilet. Theyre disillusioned with church. They dont get from it
what they need at the time of divorce. At Bethany, said Block, they gain
the knowledge that theyre not alone.
Bethany started a quarter-century ago as a grassroots organization
among several parishes. We offer spiritual support, she said,
trying to get them back to the church. Many, when they do become
divorced, are disenchanted -- feel alienated because theyve broken a
sacrament. We tell them that God still loves them, that though their marriages
didnt work out, theyre still good people. Theres an
annual Bethany Mass, and an annual Bethany retreat.
Plus Bethany, with six archdiocesan chapters, can throw a good
party. A dance can attract upwards of 400 people.
National Catholic Reporter, September 3,
1999
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