Church, state join struggle to save U.S.
marriages
By JUDY GROSS
Special to the National Catholic Reporter
Marriage is in vogue.
Gen Xers, according to American Demographics, a journal
tracking business trends, are donning tuxes and veils in record numbers. The
Census Bureau reports about half of Gen Xers (Americans between the ages of 20
and 35) are married now, and projections are two-thirds of them will tie the
knot by 2001. That would gladden the hearts of those who see marriage and the
family as the principal hope for civilization.
The downside, however, is that divorce also remains in vogue.
While 85 percent of Gen Xers will have settled down to wedded bliss by 2010,
the experts predict that fully half their unions will end in divorce.
Based on those predictions, Diane Sollee, executive director of
the Coalition of Marriage, Family and Couple Education, a nonprofit,
nondenominational clearinghouse in Washington, throws rice pudding on the
enthusiasm some show about the rush to wed. Whats with all the rosy
bubbles about a 56 percent marriage rate as a sign Gen Xers are moving back
towards marriage? she asks. While the actual numbers may be impressive,
Sollee points out, Thats only 1 percent higher than the lowest rate
ever recorded in the U.S.
Susan Clarke of the National Center for Health Statistics reports
the marriage rate has actually fallen 41 percent since 1960 among all age
groups. Add another sign of distress for family value advocates: Gen Xers are
floating trial balloons before tying the legal knot by cohabiting in record
numbers as well. In March 1998, 4.2 million couples were cohabiting, according
to Clarke.
That mixed nuptial picture is running head-on into a new
determination in America to make marriages last. The effort is spearheaded by
the expected groups -- churches, synagogues and temples -- but they are being
joined today by a growing number of secular organizations and city and state
governments all keen to keep families together.
Catholics are leaders in all this, says Sollee. She
wryly adds, They had the right idea, but its not getting
there. Practicing Catholics have the same 50 percent divorce rate as most
other groups in America.
Sollee was talking about the Catholic churchs insistence on
marriage preparation courses, which originated in the Pre-Cana Conference
movement, begun in Chicago in the 1940s.
Though Catholic churches have long required pre-marriage
instruction, efforts in Protestant denominations have been inconsistent. Now,
however, most mainline denominations, as well as the evangelical ones, insist
on marriage prep programs for engaged couples.
Though there is an array of programs called by various names --
Marriage Savers, Crossing Out Divorce, Live the Life Ministries, Engaged
Encounter -- all have the same goal of driving down the 50 percent divorce rate
by equipping couples for happy marriages.
Its a formidable task. A 1991 report by the National
Commission on Children lists the United States as having the highest divorce
rate in the world. Mormons are the least likely to divorce if they marry within
their religion. Only 13 percent have divorced after five years of marriage,
compared with 20 percent of Catholics and Protestants in the same time period.
Four of every 10 Jewish marriages end in divorce after five years.
Not long ago, pollster George Gallup told a National Press Club
meeting in Washington, Divorce has become so endemic that we hardly
notice it, even though we suffer the effects in so many ways.
Why have churches (the setting for 75 percent of marriages)
basically failed?
Theres no easy answer, but many schemes are being tried to
reverse things.
These days, for instance, the Chicago archdiocese runs a
Dinner for Two, where couples put aside the daily grind of kids,
car payments and time clocks and pay a small fee to have an intimate dining
experience with a purpose: rekindle the spark that brought them together in the
first place.
In more than 100 cities across the country, church and state have
come together in concerted efforts to build strong marriages by adopting
community marriage policies, agreeing to provide marriage prep sessions or
divorce prevention counseling.
Community marriage policies
The Catholic and non-Catholic clergy and lay people of Lexington,
Ky., have put together a carefully thought-out community marriage policy with
the help of a task force representing religious, community and business
leaders. Bishop J. Kendrick Williams supported the effort that resulted in the
Bluegrass Community Marriage Policy. The emphasis is on supporting
healthy families.
Clergy in Culpepper, Va., were the 100th group to sign on to a
community marriage policy. Their program goes a step further than most, asking
couples living together to stop having a physical relationship before marrying.
That demand is made in addition to other components of the program, like a
courtship of at least one year.
While community marriage policies make good press, other work is
going on quietly behind the scenes with couples that have strong marriages
helping couples whose marriages are struggling.
Mike McManus is founder of Marriage Savers, a nonprofit,
nondenominational organization based near Washington. His concern is not only
about the divorce numbers, but cohabitation figures. Marriage Savers attempts
to bring down the rate of couples living together without marriage and to save
marriages in trouble. The program trains mentor couples who have come
back from the brink, of divorce to work with couples preparing for
marriage and with those whose marriages are in jeopardy.
McManus, who describes himself as theologically right of
center, writes a self-syndicated column, Ethics &
Religion. He accuses American churches of being part of the divorce
problem. Most churches help couples prepare for elaborate weddings, not
for lasting marriages, he writes in Marriage Savers. McManus got
into the marriage saving business, starting with the precarious state of his
own, discovered during a Marriage Encounter weekend.
He claims success rates as high as 35 percent in some cities where
the program is implemented.
Notre Dame Sr. Barbara Markey of Omaha, Neb., an author of FOCCUS
(Facilitating Open Couple Communication, Understanding & Study), and David
Blankenhorn, both founders of the Institute for American Values at Creighton
University, say no independent research exists to back McManus claims.
The Heritage Foundation of Washington, a conservative think tank, plans to
examine 30 cities where the Marriage Savers program is established.
Elephant in the living room
Churches dont like to face up to the cohabitation reality. A
report from the University of Wisconsin Center for Demography and Ecology says
half of the population under age 40 has lived with an unmarried partner.
Cohabitation, says Markey, is the elephant in the living
room. In some ways, she said, the church deals with it by taking the
stance that if it is ignored the problem will go away. It is a tricky problem,
but harsh policies create deceit and just dont cut it, she
said.
A report published in time for Valentines Day by Rutgers
University shatters the illusion that living with someone is a way to avoid a
divorce or to decide whether to marry.
Living together before marriage increases the risk of
breaking up after marriage, according to the report, titled
Should We Live Together? What Young Adults Need to Know about
Cohabitation before Marriage. Cohabitors who marry have a divorce
rate 46 percent higher than those who live apart until marriage.
Another writer, Aimee Howd sees cohabitation as one way a
divorce-shy generation looks for the way back to the stability their
grandparents enjoyed, but their parents left behind. In general,
cohabitors can be categorized as less religious, more independent, more liberal
and more apt to take risks, according to Howd.
Still, hope springs eternal. A 1996 U.S. Census Bureau report
shows 56 percent of all adults were married and living with their spouses.
California, Texas, New York, Florida and Nevada were the top states for
weddings in 1996. Adults, if marrying at all, are delaying the nuptials, as
shown by the current median age of first marriage: 25 years for women and 26.8
years for men. A generation earlier, women were marrying at an average of 20.8
years and 23.2 years for men.
When adults do marry, theres lots of help available. If
theyre Catholic, a couple like Ginny and Greg Burns of St. Thomas More
Parish in Tallahassee, Fla., may guide them through the process. The Burnses
use their own 25-year-marriage success and Creighton Universitys FOCCUS
program to prepare engaged couples.
Many agree that the programs are only as good as those presenting
them. Marriage Preparation in the Catholic Church: Getting it Right
is a national evaluation of 1,500 couples who married between 1987 and 1993.
The study by Creighton University Center for Marriage and Family reports
though a sizable minority (33.8 percent) disagree that marriage
preparation was helpful to them, a large majority (66.2 percent) of respondents
judge that it was helpful. Most wanted it to be helpful.
The study also found that marriage preparation is most valuable
when presented by a team, especially a team of clergy and lay leaders. Seven to
10 sessions are best. Marriage preparation is rated most helpful when it deals
with the five Cs: communication, commitment, conflict resolution, children and
church.
Markey adds a sixth: Career. Dual careers are a major
stressor. She adds that so far the programs she has seen have pushed
applied psychology, but not applied theology, and couples want
both.
A large-scale study developed at the University of Denver showed
couples that attended marriage preparation had one-third the likelihood of
breaking up through the fifth anniversary. The Denver survey also found most
married couples would have participated in premarital counseling if it had been
offered to them.
State sees economic interest
One reason marriage saving is no longer just the prerogative of
religion is economics. With 89 percent of children on welfare living with
single parents, states have an economic interest in family preservation. In
fact, 24 million children in the United States live without fathers present,
the National Fatherhood Institute reports.
A new federal program, the Abstinence Education Program, gives
states money to discourage sex outside of marriage. Heritage Community Services
in Charleston, S.C., was awarded a $1.3 million grant to implement the program.
The program involves sending young college graduates into schools to teach
adolescents about abstinence by focusing on character building and working on
healthy relationships.
Experts predict that most states will have some type of marriage
preparation law on the books within five years. The bigger question though is
do laws and political platitudes actually change anything?
If they dont, it wont be for lack of trying.
Proponents of the effort point out that prison systems, the military, state
legislators and the judiciary are all taking a stab at programs to curb
divorces.
Prisons around the country are trying to preserve marriages in
hopes of reducing recidivism. The Relationship Enhancement program has been
used with prisoners and their wives fairly regularly over the past 12 or so
years. Statistics on its success are ambiguous. Programs in the U.S. military
are trying to stem the 65 percent divorce rate in second marriages. And state
governments, in the words of Scott Jensen, Wisconsin Assembly speaker, should
welcome back our churches and temples, our synagogues and mosques as full
participants in our work to address the pressing issues facing our state.
For too long government has made communities of faith
adversaries in its bureaucratic attempt to build civil society. He added,
The disintegration of the family is the central domestic problem of our
time.
In Michigan, a Wayne County judge launched a partnership with
religious leaders to provide counseling and other services when marriages are
breaking up. Under the agreement Circuit Judge Helen Brown wrote, church
leaders would give extensive premarital counseling, programs to help marriages
in trouble, and safe places for parents to hand off children when sharing
custody.
If Brown has her way, parents in Wayne County who file for divorce
will be handed a list of churches that provide counseling or mediation in the
case of custody disputes. Clergy of all denominations have enthusiastically
received the concept.
In Adrian, Mich., District Court Chief Judge James Sheridan ruled
that officials performing civil weddings in his jurisdiction must train couples
in conflict resolution first. Divorce is a community issue, not just a
religious matter, he said. Im tired of seeing so many
divorces and their consequences come through my court.
In Grand Rapids, Mich., clergy and community officials together
decreed May 16 to be Celebrate Marriage Sunday. People in the pews
and on prayer mats heard sermons on the theme.
Commented Imam Abdullah El-Amin of the Michigan Council of Islamic
Organizations, I think this is wonderful. The Quran tells us we should be
involved in cases of marital strife.
Not surprising, there has been dissent. The American Civil
Liberties Union is concerned about a possible state endorsement of religion.
Brown says the concerns are unfounded and points out that courts often turn to
church-based programs such as Catholic Charities to aid with social service
matters.
A few days after taking office, Floridas Gov. Jeb Bush
stepped up to be the first signatory of the Tallahassee community marriage
policy. Florida became the first state to pass a Marriage Preparation Law
giving couples a break on the cost of their marriage license if they take a
four-hour marriage prep course. Sollee of the Coalition of Marriage, Family and
Couple Education termed the Florida legislature visionary.
Bush, a Catholic convert, said he was appalled at the 60 percent
divorce rate and 35 percent of out-of-wedlock births in the state. He hoped the
marriage policy would be a model to build a more compassionate
Florida.
Other states have advanced covenant marriage laws,
pre-nuptial arrangements under which couples agree, should the marriage run
into trouble, to seek counseling and undergo a waiting period before filing for
divorce.
Bruce Grindal, Florida State University social anthropologist,
says of the spreading secular interest in marriage preservation, I wonder
about all that. In his opinion the kind of longing or nostalgia for a
more permanent union is not going to change the divorce rate, no matter the
legislation. He says urbanization is a recent phenomenon that has resulted in
the loss of external pressures to keep families together. In a more
traditional America, the family was an institute of necessity. Thats no
longer true.
Grindal sees no easy answer to the divorce problem. So many
things are bubbling in the cauldron at the same time -- a lost collective civic
spirit, Americans focus on individualism, the loss of community.
Another factor is the pink collar workforce in which women are
employed outside the home. Its an irreversible trend.
What he sees as the solution over the long haul is not more
programs or legislation, but stable male employment, especially among the poor
and African-Americans.
Christians arent the only ones focusing on marriage
preservation. In the runaway best seller, Kosher Love, Rabbi
Shmuley Boteach writes unabashedly about the sexuality of Orthodox Jews, the
main religious group that practices enforced separation between married couples
each month, and where divorce is uncommon. American civilization, he says,
depends on healthy marriages. The job of rabbis and priests is to bring
peace between husbands and wives. Western civilization cannot sustain a 50
percent divorce rate.
Boteachs parents were divorced. Referring to his childhood,
he said, A day has not passed when Ive not asked myself, How
do you keep a man and woman together so no one has to suffer like I did?
Rescuing troubled marriages
While premarital programs and marriage enrichment programs can
help stable relationships get better, what of marriages that begin to unravel?
Are there signals the partnership is in trouble?
University of Washington, Seattle, relationship researcher John
Gottman reports in his book Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, that couples
that stay married have a five-to-one ratio of positive to negative
interactions. It seems couples that can muster five positive or affirming
comments or gestures for every one negative interaction are more likely to have
a stable marriage.
Sollee says people are slow to recognize that marriages need
preventive maintenance as much as cars or appliances. Her approach is not more
therapy, but marriage education -- teaching couples how to deal with the
conflicts that arise in day-to-day living.
Couples newly in love often think the way to handle conflict is to
deny its existence. This belief is destructive because it makes people
think there is something wrong with them if they have a conflict.
The truth is, people married 50 years have as much
disagreement daily as a couple who divorces. Whats different is how
its understood and handled. Kids who grow up with divorce think its
OK to disagree and divorce. In fact, Sollee says the No. 1 one predictor
of divorce is the habitual avoidance of conflict.
It is dangerous to think one must agree and like everything
about the other. Its boring and not much to make love about. Sollee
scoffs at the idea of never going to bed angry. If its a choice of
going to bed angry or staying up all night fighting, go to bed!
The Coalition of Marriage, Family and Couple Education teaches
three skills for keeping marriages going: 1) how to handle disagreements as a
couple; 2) how to handle change, and; 3) how to celebrate the good parts of
marriages.
Worldwide Marriage Encounter is aptly named. The relationship
enrichment program has spread internationally and throughout faith traditions
from its origin in the Catholic church.
Sollee never gives wedding gifts, only certificates for marriage
education courses and says about the number of divorced people she knows,
all these people thought their love was enough.
Retired Episcopal priest Rev. Dick McGinnis started Crossing Out
Divorce, in Jacksonville, Fla. Tired of seeing the soaring divorce rate among
his congregants, he said he didnt look at the problem, but at the
solution, and found inspiration in the approach of Alcoholics Anonymous.
He and seven couples who had put their marriages back together hammered
and tonged the program into being.
McGinnis says the church was blindsided in recent
decades by cultural changes, particularly societys loosened sexual mores,
and is just now getting its bearings.
Third Option, another marriage-saving tool, is a 14-week Catholic
program, coordinated by lay people. The longer time frame appeals to some
couples trying to find a way back into the relationship.
The hallmark for marriage rescue, though, is Retrouvaille, a
Catholic import from Canada. International coordinator Divine Word Missionary
Fr. Robert Jones has been in the marriage business since 1968, first with
Marriage Encounter, which he says is too little, too late, for many
people. Retrouvaille is the model other denominations use to intervene in
troubled marriages. The priest is comfortable with customizing the program to
fit non-Catholic theology.
Jones attraction to the program is the fit with his
orders mission: to heal the broken-hearted, to set captives free.
Lots are in captivity in their marriages, he said.
Retrouvaille offers a way to not dump the marriage. He claims that
87 percent of couples that go through the program and the follow-up sessions
stay together.
Jones attributes the recent attention to marriages to the
publics realization something needed to be done. How easy is
it to work with couples seemingly at the end of their rope? Its the
best thing Ive ever done as a priest! He, too, points to the
ability to handle conflicts as the secret to successful marriages.
National Catholic Reporter, September 17,
1999
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