Books Claiming ones sorrow, reaching for hope
FINDING YOUR WAY
AFTER YOUR PARENT DIES By Richard Gilbert Ave Maria Press, 124
pages, $9.95 To order: 1-800-282-1865 |
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BY JUDITH BROMBERG
No one ever told me grief felt so like fear, wrote C.
S. Lewis in his masterful A Grief Observed, written after the death of
his wife, Joy. Following the death of his mother, theologian Henri Nouwen wrote
in In Memoriam: I knew the time had come for me to learn again how
to make this world my home.
Reading Richard Gilberts Finding Your Way After Your
Parent Dies sent me back to these two old friends. Each is a beautiful
reflection on a loved one and how it is to lose her, and each has something
meaningful to say to us who have lost one we held dear.
So does Gilberts new book that, while less personal, is also
more practical. The author says he hopes readers will find the book is
like a friend who will walk with you as you find your own way
through the grieving process, specifically -- though not exclusively -- the
death of a parent.
A couple of years ago I had dinner with a friend who had buried
her mother just a month earlier. She was upset, angry even, with her
co-workers, who in the weeks leading up to her mothers death had been
most caring and solicitous, but once the funeral leftovers were gone, expected
her to jump right back in the saddle as if the previous weeks had not happened.
Im not ready yet, she cried. I cant let go of her
so quickly.
Those of us who have been there know exactly what Nora was talking
about. So does Gilbert, who, writing as a bereaved son, grief counselor and
Anglican priest, acknowledges that adults dealing with the death of a parent
are the most overlooked and neglected group of mourners. Through this book he
invites such persons to claim their sorrow, but reach for healing, hope
and memories.
The book is well organized and thoughtfully arranged. It moves
from one aspect of the grieving experience to another -- from the feelings of
emptiness and fear, to a feeling of abandonment. It also comments on dealing
with a surviving parent who, not incidentally, is also grieving, and,
furthermore, on bringing to the table for resolution deep-seated feelings of
anger or resentment.
So, having praised the thought-filled content of the book, let me
just pull up a few points that resonated with me.
Dont allow the denial of others to prevent you from grieving
as you need to.
Grief is hard work. Take care of yourself.
Establish some new rituals as ways to release, but also remember
the dead. Claim rituals that heal and energize you.
Your own role in the universe has changed; in some basic ways you
are now walking lifes pathways alone.
In the wake of a parents death we may experience powerful
feelings of guilt or shame -- for most of us, in the form of should
haves.
If I might identify one shortcoming in the book it would be in
this last category. I think that feelings of guilt are deeper and more
pervasive than Gilbert allows, and that he dismisses some powerful emotions by
suggesting merely that you may need to examine them. He might have
been more helpful here.
Early on, Gilbert makes the connection between grief and
spirituality. As we search for answers in our grief, we are also at the center
of what we call spirituality. Accordingly, each chapter concludes with a brief
opportunity for reflection in the form of a thought, an opportunity or a
prayer. Gilbert invites us to read with pen in hand, allowing for a sort of
dialogue or journaling as we move through the book.
My father has been dead for 19 years, my mother for five. Even
now, I find value in this book. Grief support groups would find it especially
helpful. If you would like to reach out to someone who is coping with the death
of a parent, this would be an appropriate and welcome gift. You might accompany
it with Nouwens In Memoriam (also by Ave Maria Press) or,
in the case of a spouse, Lewis A Grief Observed (my old copy is a
Bantam book).
Lewis concludes his piece by quoting his wife as she lay dying:
How wicked it would be, if we could, to call the dead back. Nouwen
resolves his grief about his mother by observing, Yet I know I must be
patient and allow her who taught me so much by her life to teach me even more
by her death.
Judith Bromberg is a regular reviewer for NCR.
National Catholic Reporter, September 17,
1999
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