Sic
Sic takes aim at
mediocrity
Dont you miss the old millennium? Sic, too.
(Message from Sics personal soothsayer Fr. Joe Gallagher:
Live each millennium as if it were your last.)
* * *
Veteran journalist Richard Senior reports changes of motto by
several states:
Alabama: At Least Were Not Mississippi.
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids.
Indiana: Two Billion Years Without a Tidal Wave.
Utah: Our Jesus Can Beat Up Your Jesus.
New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent.
North Carolina: Tobacco Is a Vegetable.
North Dakota: We Really Are a State.
Oregon: Home of the Spotted Owl, and Spotted Owl Pie.
* * *
This Space has a 10-year-old calendar (months dont change
much from one year to another) in which Laurence J. Peter is quoted: A
bore is a talker who can change the subject back to his topic faster than you
can change it back to yours.
* * *
But seriously, Sic wishes to announce our New Years
resolution: restraint. With another thousand years looming, what the world
needs is moderation. Surrounded by intemperate extremists and off-the-wall
wackos, including This Space, serious journalists are saying its time
people moved back to the center where we can all hold hands.
The problem, as everyone knows, is liberals and conservatives,
right-wingers and left-wingers. These, the voice of reason says, could all be
cuddly if they would just be moderate.
* * *
The raw meat of panache is no substitute for medium-rare
intellectual brisket. Or, to take another meaty metaphor, the only good
roadkill is on the middle of the road.
All this moderation came as a blow to swashbuckling Sic. So we put
our good ear to the ground and listened to the faithful.
For Gods sake, lets be moderate.
Better still, lets be mediocre.
Yeah, like Jesus.
* * *
Two words of wisdom Sic has been preserving for years on a faded
piece of paper:
It is in the nature of a work of art to speak ambiguously,
like an oracle (Max Friedlander).
Americans go deeply into the surface of things (Henry
Ward).
If youre at a party and say these out loud, they will start
or stop the conversation.
* * *
Frankly, what Sic misses most about the old millennium is the
weather.
* * *
This was, we think, planted in Sics file by some radical
feminist:
What would have been the situation if the Three Wise Men had been
the Three Wise Women?
The women would have asked for directions, arrived on time,
assisted in the birth of the Child, cleaned the stable, prepared a nutritious
meal and left appropriate gifts.
* * *
The following, like everything else in Sic, is allegedly the
Gods honest truth.
A bonus question in a mid-term exam in chemistry at the University
of Washington asked: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?
Most students used stuff like Boyles Law (gas cools off when
it expands and heats up when it is compressed). But one student wrote:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing
in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and
leaving it. I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it
stays, so no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell,
lets look at the different religions. Most say if youre not a
member of theirs, you will go to Hell. Since there are more and more such
religions, and since people do not belong to more than one, we can project that
all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates rising, we can expect the
number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Boyles Law states
that for temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same the volume in Hell
has to expand as souls are added. This offers two possibilities. 1. If Hell
is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter, then the
temperature and pressure will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. If
Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls there, then the
temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
The student got the only A in the class.
* * *
Look at Jesus, non-liberal non-conservatives said.
Jesus always found common ground with apostles, Pharisees, call-girls,
guys up in trees looking down, guys cutting off soldiers ears,
nail-hammering guys, guys around the table at the Last Supper, gals around the
same table on account of it being common ground.
Yeah! Those moderates were really groovin.
* * *
From Mary Hazlett, some signs of the times:
You tried to enter your password on the microwave.
You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. You
e-mail your son in his room to say dinner is ready. You chat several times
a day with a stranger in South Africa but have not spoken with your next-door
neighbor in a year. You check your blow dryer to see if its Y2K
compliant. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow. You
hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
* * *
This Space used to boast of an occasional Pet of the Week.
Henceforth its going to be Pet of the Millennium. This millenniums
pet is John Marrins 9-year-old Bert, said by his dad (Johns dad,
not Berts), Pat Marrin, editor of Celebration, to be very
photogenic. Thats one opinion.
National Catholic Reporter, January 28,
2000
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