Sic
How to have
infallibility without a pope
Bob Jones the Younger, offspring of the present incumbent, got his
masters degree from -- are you sitting down? -- Notre Dame University,
according to the Chicago Sun-Times. You read it here first, or second or
third and so on.
* * *
Its a well-known fact that Sic is infallible. Close
observers may recall how, last year, we briefly denied our infallibility.
Strictly between ourselves, we goofed.
Then we noticed people desperately wanted us to be infallible. So,
practically overnight, we regained that inerrancy without which we were losing
every argument. Take Sics word: It makes people sit up when you finish
your sentence with and thats infallible.
* * *
William Bookshelf Graham teaches in N.J. where a
student wrote of the two creation stories in Genesis: The two stories
were written about 500 years apart, so I believe two different people wrote
them.
This may be good anthropology, but its poor scripture. Think
of Methuselah who lived to 969. That means he could have written the Genesis 1
account at a ripe old 469 years (dont scoff: at 187 he became the father
of Lamech, according to Genesis 7) and hammered out Genesis 2 shortly before he
died. This would be typical of Methuselah, an eccentric fellow who was on
Social Security so long it has not yet recovered.
* * *
Not for nothing is infallibility in the air. Like it or not, popes
sometimes retire, although more often they die. Considering how many
theological journals are out there, its strange how few articles one
reads on the status of infallibility during a papal interregnum.
* * *
Sr. Clarice Lolich of San Mateo wrote, NCR
is
my contemporary bible. Unfortunately her letter was addressed to,
yknow, Big Daddy on page 2, but fortunately things sometimes fall into
the wrong hands, Sics.
Lolich enclosed a list of proverbs that the first-grade teacher
started and the kids had to finish:
People in glass houses shouldnt ..... run around
naked.
Strike while the ..... bug is close.
You can lead a horse to water, but ..... how?
Dont bite the hand ..... thats dirty.
When the blind lead the blind ..... get out of the way.
* * *
Its lucky we were mistaken when we thought we were only
fallible. Our personal infallibility has frankly been dormant for years, sort
of there but not doing much, like George W. Bushs compassionate
conservatism, which he keeps up his sleeve for a rainy day. We expect, though,
that the moment this pope resigns our infallibility will leap to the fore.
Inerrancy will galvanize us like that first cup of coffee in the morning.
Well pronounce on stuff you didnt even know had gone wrong, the
Holy Spirit nudging us on and saying, more, more, give em hell, Sic.
* * *
We hereby cancel our latest big competition about matching poetry
and pictures cause it was one of Sics dumber ideas in the first
place.
Besides we have other fish to fry.
* * *
So, when the voters arrive to elect the new pope (and once
infallibility is brought to bear, they may no longer be the same old coterie of
princes of the church -- whos to say there would not be room for a good
nun among the electors, do you seriously think the Holy Spirit would turn down
a good nun? And if a good nun is good enough, what kind of a Holy Spirit would
say that a good non-nun, such as a soccer mom, wouldnt cut the conclave
mustard? Dont let anyone tell you infallibility cant make a
difference)
this sentence, which started with commendable promise, lost
its direction back there somewhere, but it was fun anyway.
* * *
When one has to write as much about oneself as Sic does about
ourself, one gets tired of referring to oneself in the same old way. Thus Sic
sometimes refers to ourself as This Space to reduce repetition. But a wider
repertoire is needed. We thought of such sobriquets as Houdini, Socrates and
Gunga Din, but these lack marquee appeal, not to mention originality.
So we opted for John Paul III. Its our small tribute to His
present Holiness. If his successor wants to be named after him, we are prepared
to move over and call ourself John Paul IV, etc.
* * *
The world, which started out with a Big Bang and great excitement,
was presumably meant by the Creator to stay that way. But in real life things
do slow down and get boring. To help average citizens abolish the ennui and
keep things hopping, Mary Hazlett explained How to Remain Sane and Annoy
Others:
- At lunchtime, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at
passing cars to see if they slow down.
- Page yourself over the intercom (dont disguise your
voice).
- Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want
fries with that (most of Sics acquaintances do this already; we thought
it was standard practice).
- Finish all your sentences with in accordance with the
prophecy.
- As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
- Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same
outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective
if your boss is the opposite gender.)
* * *
John Paul IIIs (get used to it) Book of the Week is
Shrub: The Short but Happy Political Life of George W. Bush, by Molly
Ivins and Lou Dubose.
* * *
When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out all
right.
The above came from NCR publisher and Sics personal
haberdasher, Thomas C. Fox, who also told of a picture outside a church: two
hands holding the Ten Commandments inscribed on two tablets. Below it read:
For fast relief, take two tablets.
(Youre right. Sic wasnt impressed, either. But he
is the publisher.)
* * *
We have decided another name for This Space shall be the Straight
Talk Express.
National Catholic Reporter, March 17,
2000
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