Sic
The case of
Elián and the inner tube miracle
If the reader has read other parts of this paper before getting
here, fine. But if you are one of those who turned straight to Sic, now
thats class.
* * *
In Little Havana they say Elián Gonzalez is a miracle child
sent by God to bring Cuba to its knees and give Castro conniptions. The Miami
relatives insist Eliáns fabulous inner tube, on which he survived
ages in the ocean, was nudged along to freedom by dolphins that were divinely
inspired to keep sharks away.
Sic thinks this is poppycock. Eliáns inner tube was
nosed along by lawyers for the Miami relatives.
* * *
In March John Paul II, the most urbi et orbi pope in
history, welcomed no less than 6,000 dentists to the Vatican. Think of all
those shiny gums and everyone saying to everyone else, Open
wider.
Said the pope: Your activity is not only the technical
dimension; it is also a mission that requires placing your professional
capacities at the service of your neighbor in whom, as believers, you must see,
in a transparent way, the face of Christ.
Yes, but did Christ floss?
* * *
Not everyone knows that Sic is one of the 2,432 lawyers
representing the Miami relatives, all working pro bono, as of course is God. We
lawyers all agree thats not Elián in those pictures with his
father taken for propaganda purposes. Anyone can see that kids one of the
Cuba Castros.
* * *
The Straight Talk Express launched an Empty Suit survey some weeks
ago in hopes of elevating the presidential debate and adding stature to the
ultimate empty suit, George W. Bush. The response has been poor.
No list would be complete without [Charlton] Heston and
[Wayne] LaPierre of the NRA, writes Joe Thomas of Plymouth. This raises
the question: Is an empty suit thats packing heat still an empty
suit?
* * *
Another thing. Eliáns father is not free to speak his
mind on account of Castro planting a microchip in the dads ear that keeps
shouting Boo! to scare him.
Theres only one way to solve this. Castro is obviously
afraid to speak his own mind back there in Cuba for fear of admitting that the
whole revolution thing was a disaster. Clearly, therefore, Castro must come to
Little Havana where he will be free to speak his mind and say the revolution
stinks.
* * *
An anonymous party sent an Empty Suit list that included Ken
Starr, Rush Limpbag, Rude Rudy Giuliani, Dick Armey and the Rev. Patty
Robertson.
The writer then added a sub-category: the Empty Skirt. There were
only two entries: Phyllis Schlafly and Peggy Noonan.
* * *
Does Cardinal Ratzinger know theyve gone and shrunk the
Bible to 50 words? This will make life easier for scripture scholars:
God made Adam bit Noah arked Abraham
split Joseph ruled Jacob fooled Bush talked Moses balked
Pharaoh plagued People walked Sea divided Tablets guided Promise
landed Saul freaked David Peeked Prophets warned Jesus born God
walked Love talked Anger crucified Hope died Love rose Spirit
flamed Word spread God remained.
* * *
Sics friend the philosopher writes:
Police in Oakland, Calif., spent two hours attempting to subdue a
gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing 10 tear gas
canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting
out to give himself up.
Readers have the option of believing this or not.
* * *
On second thought, theres no way Castro can speak his mind,
even in Miami, while all those aging revolutionaries and the Castro relatives
and in fact everyone in Cuba are all ready to throttle him for letting
Elián get away in the first place. The answer is to bring all Cubans to
Miami, where everyone can talk free from fear and coercion and with heaps of
plastic toys in their yards to reassure them that the people of Little Havana
love them.
When all the Cubans are well and truly in Miami, we the lawyers
for the relatives plan to grab our inner tubes and hit the water, nudged along
by dolphins, porpoises and Sen. Trent Lott. We plan to occupy the island,
which, being empty, could no longer be communist. We lawyers would then buy
time on the radio in Dade County and invite all the Miami relatives, including
Elián, back to Cuba as tourists.
National Catholic Reporter, May 5,
2000
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