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Viewpoint On
Mearth, our stars arent cut out for journalism
By DENNIS HANS
Just got back from Mearth, our
sister planet on the other side of the Sun. Lovely place, virtually identical
to Earth. Its version of the United States is remarkably like ours: A Texan is
in the White House, Hollywood is a cesspool and the Boston Red Sox are cursed.
Only one difference: Television journalism operates as a meritocracy.
Men and women are promoted based on their demonstrated ability to
search out and carefully document unpleasant truths that powerful institutions
-- governmental and corporate -- prefer to keep hidden, but that citizens must
know about if they are to fulfill their civic duties in a genuinely democratic
system.
No one gets promoted for looking great, dispensing feel-good
puffery, keeping debates inside the box and dissenters out of the
picture, toadying up to the powers that be and serving as their mouthpiece, or
not knowing enough to pose tough questions or rebut dishonest ones.
Five days of channel-surfing on Mearth revealed identical show
titles as on Earth, but none featured the same anchor or host. Mearths
MSNBC, for example, airs Hardball, but loudmouth Chris Matthews was
nowhere to be found. In the impatient bullys place was a tough but
courteous black guy named Les Payne, whose earthly counterpart is a standout
print journalist at New Yorks Newsday.
I didnt recognize the fresh face who hosted Mearths
Meet the Press. Like Tim Russert, Maria Gonzales was persistent.
But instead of goading guest Colin Powell into a commitment to invade
Mearths Iraq, she grilled him on the human toll U.S.-backed economic
sanctions had exacted on the innocent Iraqi civilian population. Talk about out
of the box!
Dave Marash, who on Earth is an underrated, underutilized
correspondent for Nightline, anchored the Mearth version of the ABC
show. I managed to reach him after a Mearth Nightline that exposed
a long-running White House disinformation campaign to downplay the U.S.-backed
Colombian armys indispensable role in facilitating the terrorism of
right-wing death squads.
Where is Ted Koppel? I asked. Marash said ABC let him
go back in 1975, after a string of reports -- based on cozy chats with
Secretary of State Henry Kissinger -- that downplayed CIA collaboration with
South Africa in Angola. Ted simply wasnt cut out for independent
journalism, said Marash. Last I heard, he was PR director for
Kissinger & Associates.
That set me to wondering what the other earthly media stars were
doing on Mearth. Of those I was able to track down, almost all are in another
line of work:
- Chris Matthews. Carnival barker.
- Dan Rather. Career Army man. Proud of title
Americas oldest buck private.
- Paula Zahn. Former model who now runs a top modeling agency,
Catwalk Unlimited.
- Brian Williams. Male supermodel with Catwalk Unlimited.
- Tim Russert. Mascot-cheerleader for Buffalo Bills; worked at
telemarketing firm until Federal Trade Commission shut it down for
senseless, relentless badgering of nice people trying to eat
dinner.
- Geraldo Rivera. Star of GeraldoCam.com, popular Web site where
Geraldophiles pay to watch Geraldos every waking and sleeping moment.
- Jim Lehrer. Curator of Rip Van Winkle Museum.
- Cokie Roberts. Runs Cokettes, a finishing school
for Southern belles.
- Tom Brokaw. Teaches history at Iowa high school during the
week, reenacts World War II battles on weekends.
- Charlie Rose. Coaches youth basketball in North Carolina, where
hes treasurer of Mayberry Wine Tasters Club.
- Larry King. Proprietor of Deli King, Washingtons hot
lunch spot for those in the know. Nine of 12 waitresses are ex-wives of
proprietor.
- John McWethy and Jim Miklaszewski. Same job as on Earth
(Pentagon spokesperson), but government rather than network pays salary.
- John McLaughlin. Confined to Garrulous Geezers Old Folks Home,
where three years running the staff has voted him Most Obnoxious
Resident.
- Bill OReilly. Boxing trainer, currently under suspension
for encouraging his fighters to strike low blows.
I visited OReilly in his rundown Bronx tenement and
explained how his Earth-based counterpart had achieved fame and wealth beyond
compare. He responded with a left to the gut and a right to my unmentionables,
then smiled and thanked me for stopping by.
As I said, Mearth is remarkably like Earth.
Dennis Hans is a freelance writer and humorist whose work has
appeared in The New York Times, The Washington Post and
National Post (Canada). He has taught courses in mass communications and
American foreign policy at the University of South Florida-St.
Petersburg.
National Catholic Reporter, January 18,
2002
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