Books Haunted by a babys death, author faces the silence
SILENT FIRE: BRINGING
THE SPIRITUALITY OF SILENCE TO EVERYDAY LIFE by James A.
Connor Crown Publishers, 209 pages, $22.95
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REVIEWED By ROBERT
DURBACK
The subtitle to Silent Fire is Bringing the
Spirituality of Silence to Everyday Life, and might suggest
this is yet one more study of otherworldly prayer. It is not. This is the
journal, written over a period of some 20 years, of James A. Connor, at that
time a Jesuit priest, documenting his struggle to make sense of a life of
ministry. Early on he discovered that life can be messy.
Contemplation doesnt take me elsewhere; nor does it
give me visions. I dont see flights of angels, or hear secret voices, but
I see the ordinary world revealed.
This ordinary world was revealed to him one morning as he entered
the hospital where he served as chaplain. Turning the corner into the emergency
room, he was uncharacteristically greeted with stony faces, angry looks and
evasive glances. Shaken, he came to a halt at one of the desks and risked:
Whats with everybody today? With that the tragedy began to
unravel.
The nurse pointed to a closed cubicle at the back of the room. A
young couple, wrenched from the joy of having a first baby, was mourning the
babys incredible death. They had been on a road trip to introduce her to
grandparents who could scarcely contain their anticipation and joy at seeing
their new grandchild. The baby was snugly buckled into a safety seat. They were
driving through a canyon. As if at a given signal a boulder rumbled from its
nesting place, hurdled down the cliff and came to a crash landing on the back
of the car. The parents emerged without a scratch. But the rock crushed the
baby to death. The hospital chaplains job was to bring comfort to this
family.
Connor sums up the toll of pastoral ministry: Priests and
ministers burn out faster then anyone, faster than doctors and teachers. They
are surrounded every day by other peoples pain, and either they grow a
hard crust, withdrawing into themselves, or they take to the bottle, or they
have crises of faith. I could never trust a priest who had not struggled
through a crisis, because his faith couldnt be very deep. Faith is a
muscle, a diaphragm for breathing, and needs to be worked.
The chaplain did the best he could. He sat with the couple and
talked with the family until he couldnt take it anymore: Two days
after the baby died, I found a replacement for the parish and announced to the
bishop that I was leaving on retreat. Frightened as I was, I would face that
silence, one way or another. It was time to run toward it instead of
away.
The book is basically the record of how he entered into that
silence, faced it squarely, and what it taught him for the rest of his life.
For this reader the style is reminiscent of Annie Dillard -- penetrating in
detail, poetic, a visionary in his element when free to roam the woods or pull
away from shore with boat and paddle. His purpose is clearly not to escape
from, but to enter deeply into the heart of reality.
Throughout the journal Connor is haunted by the question of the
tragic and absurd death of the baby: Who is this God who would do such a thing?
Who is this God who with one hand makes the moonlight on a lake, yet with
the other kills a baby with a large rock? In the face of suffering, we collapse
into silence.
His gift to his readers is a sharing in his solitude, inviting us
to flee from the noise with which we fill our lives and to discover with him
the peace of four levels, or circles of silence: no words, no
thought, no self, embracing all. He quotes Thich Nhat Hanh, Thomas Merton and
the Desert Fathers and Mothers, yet he teaches best by simply sharing with us
his own story. It is a moving story of deep compassion and search for
peace.
A sampling of quotes from the book invites us to reflect on our
own values:
In a way, American consumerism, as bad a habit as
thumb-sucking, is a twisted version of the true desire for the spiritual life,
for God. ... Advertising and social manipulation confuse spiritual longing with
lust for ownership.
Real desire is not about owning but about being owned, about
belonging, connection and love.
Learn to see beyond immediate gratification; dig deeper than
lust, and keep digging until you reach the souls desire, burning like a
hot coal.
If you sit in silence long enough, things will come to
you.
The education of desire is the most profound choice you can
make.
Silent Fire inspires us with the story of one who weeps
with those who weep, who tends the fire in his own soul, offering the
hospitality of a sacred space where others can come to be warmed and
healed.
Robert Durback is editor of Seeds of Hope: A Henri Nouwen
Reader (Doubleday) and, most recently, Henri Nouwen: In My Own
Words.
National Catholic Reporter, July 19,
2002
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